There is no free agency

Free agency begins Monday and nobody will go anywhere because the union and the NBA decided to encourage players via pay raise to re-sign with their own teams.

Worse, much worse, each side decided to smooth out the salary cap increase earned via the new streaming rights deal.

Boring. Super, boring.

The summer of 2016? Lotta things, but not boring! Haven't had a drink since. No cap smoothing, none at all, Solomon Hill at four-years, $52 million, absolutely nothing for any free agents in 2017 and 2018.

Now? We smooth things. I prefer chunky.

At least there are contract extensions. They eventually lead to trade demands.

For now, these are the good times. Before the team doesn't renew the contract of the personal trainer.

HOUSTON RE-SIGNS JABARI SMITH

Five years and $122 million and good, I too would pay that much for someone with access to Stromile Swift's phone number.

Yes, I know, the Rockets once fielded Stromile Swift and likely have one of his old phone numbers on file.

But not whichever number Jabari Smith Sr. has. No way Stromile Swift gave Jeff Van Gundy a line toward anything near Stromile Swift.

TIMBERWOLVES

Brought back Julius Randle for three years, $100 million, player option for 2027-28.

Wolves fans want to love a winner. The mixture of strong support and a lengthy contract (at, what, twenty percent of the cap?) should be enough to keep Randle on a cloud, throughout. In ways which could outlast any on-court friction with his, say, right-handed teammates. Randle is 31 in September, but this was always going to age well, at least through 33.

Julius is unique (read: Julius is turnover-prone). He won't be a trade chip despite his production, teams have to really want Julius Randle because teams have to build around Julius Randle to get the best out of Julius Randle.

I am excited to watch Julius Randle on a team which really wants him, one keen to build around him. If he ends up unhappy there, he'll end up unhappy anywhere. It's up to him.

PORTLAND

Bought out DeAndre Ayton, in Ayton's absolute and utter physical prime. If not shape.

Rather than keeping his expiring contract around the locker room, DeAndre Ayton (27 in a month) will be paid not to play basketball for Portland. His contract will remain on the books, Ayton will not remain in Portland and is free to sign with the third team in what I'll guess will be an eight-team NBA career.

Ayton is owed over $35.55 million in 2025-26, the final season of his contract, and likely (and rightfully) recoup darn near every penny between Portland's buyout and whichever NBA team wants to go DeAndre hunter this offseason.

Who wouldn't? Unless you fear DeAndre's disinterest will turn a clubhouse toward odd-hours gaming, he is the perfect guy to pay the minimum. And let Portland pay $30-odd million toward, as the 7-footer comes off the bench for 12 minutes to dunk three times (and give up two dunks). Before you waive him at the All-Star break.

I feel like taking a shower with shorts on just thinking about it.

In principle, no pun intended, I don't have one percent of a problem with a buyout. Pun intended.

In Ayton's case? The Blazers are very, very lucky that Toumani Camara, not the point of the Damian Lillard trade, has turned into the point of the Damian Lillard trade.

Portland also eventually scored Deni Avdija in the deal, a fine pluck even if Avdija didn't turn in an excellent second half of the season (after a perfectly promising first half). The team also has Boston's 2029 first-round pick to show, and pick swaps in 2028 and 2030 with Milwaukee, which may actually convey. An NBA rarity, in the ongoing swap between the Haves and Have-Nots.

And Portland did nothing with Ayton. Did not rehabilitate his image nor game nor impact on the trading market. Rather, presided over his downfall as prospect, as a person whom someone might trade for.

Some guys you just can't– well, some guys are just some guys.

Portland's front office knew they could keep Ayton until February's trade deadline, use his expiring contract to cure another team's salary ills, send him to some random club. Expiring deals may return to the value they owned two decades ago, when we were trading them and zero draft picks for pre-prime Baron Davis.

The Blazers should accept that criticism. It may also be fair that the Blazers did right, by whomever Ayton's representation remains, letting Ayton select his destination. Cutting DeAndre Ayton free rather than chilling him until February, chilling on whatever could possibly be chiller than DeAndre Ayton.

If your team wants to use some form of exception on DeAndre Ayton, anything above the minimum, reconsider the goals of your team and how they relate to you.

MANY NBA PLAYERS HAVE WIVES AND KIDS AND HOMES

Not just Bradley Beal, Beal isn't alone. He isn't special. He isn't the only one in the NBA who doesn't want to move around.

All the more reason for Bradley Beal to remind anyone who will listen about what the overwhelming majority of these 450 deal with, in a culture which salivates more over transactions than it does actual basketball game airings.

Literally deal with at all points between the draft and the trade deadline and, I guess, the playoffs and Finals? Did we ever determine the months in an NBA year when you can't trade NBA players?

Point is, Charlotte can happen at any time, so can Dallas, so can Toronto, another country, even if that other country is closer to your home than Dallas or Orlando or Milwaukee or Indianapolis or ol' San Antone.

I wish more NBA players had Bradley Beal's contract. Beal with it.

Is that a ... no? Definitely not? And don't do that again? OK. Sorry.

I WROTE THIS AND WENT TO LOOK FOR A LINK AND, BAM

Mark Deeks goes Heavy on Bradley Beal's unstretchable outfit.

LAKER STORIES WILL BE EVEN MORE INTERESTING NOW

Jeannie Buss has stenographers at ESPN and The Athletic and now she's out of basketball control? She still represents the team, but doesn't represent any power?

The clarity of copy forthcoming, maybe not-so-great, but the passive/aggressive intonation relayed within? The density? The joke idea in the lede ("Not since ...") that was obviously from Jay Mohr?

The Buss family, and by extension LeBron James, will never do anything bad ever, ever again.

I wonder if, hold on, yep, Jeanie still follows me on Twitter. Her banner photo includes an image of Mario Lopez.

Should I DM Jeanie Buss, ask to transcribe her anonymous angst @ OnHoops?

I mean, if I wanted to privately message an ex-NBA owner with absolutely no control over basketball ops, I'd shoot Mark Cuban a message on Bsky.

THE MAVS

Somewhat cringeworthy, look at the dudes in the back, but very much worthy of listening to:

Patrick DuMont, to put it Patrick's way, has a Shaq-level of practice to put in.

THE CAVS

Re-signed Sam Merrill without complication (four-years, $38 million) because Cleveland had that little extra saved from pantsing the Bulls in the Lonzo Ball deal.

And if Sam fades, Cleveland still has the picks to get off the contract. Thank you, Bulls. Thank you.

THE CHAMPS

Extended Jaylin Williams ($21 million over three seasons) and Ajay Mitchell ($9 million over the same) for nothing, but with a team option.

Unreal value. Ajay Mitchell is pretty good, in 2025-26 he'll make about what Blair Rasmussen made in 1995-96. Jaylin Williams is pretty good, in 2025-26 he'll make about what Jason Thompson made on the 2015-16 Warriors. Or what the Knicks paid Shandon Anderson for half the 2005-06 season.

If it feels like I've been taking a few gratuitous Knick digs recently understand it is because the Knicks are a buncha bums.

OKC are more profane. The Thunder still have Thomas Sorber to sign (bastards) but will probably hold off on signing the stud rookie center until they can facilitate more trades for future draft picks and/or cap relief with their numerous future draft selections (bloody, bastards).

Thomas Sorber only turns 20 on Christmas, which means I can't curse again, but holy baby lord did the Thunder land a draft pick to coo over.

THE CHARLOTTE

Brandon Miller and Collin Sexton and even Kon Knueppel will see what they have on Day One and by December they'll realize there is something to play for. The East is not good, and hiring Sexton (an automatic 18 points) goes a long way toward keeping Charlotte in all sorts of games they shouldn't be in.

Why? Because Sexton kept the Jazz in all sorts of games which didn't deserve a third quarter. Contests the Jazz otherwise woulda watched at home on orders from ownership and the front office. And that was in the West.

Sexton isn't perfect, he makes mistakes. Defense is not, as of this date, his thing. But he is guaranteed shot creation and provides his team with many free throws. Sexton provides the other team with many turnovers, but the rookie can get back to take a foul.

Unless Collin calls him "Ron."

FINALS STARTING LINEUPS

Bring back the darkened intros for TV? Let's go deeper.

Bring back the lit-up, lengthened player introduction, everyone on the active roster gets a call, even unplayable rookies:

Flynn Robinson was really only six-feet tall but was listed at "6-1 in afro."

I seriously wrote this and then remembered the film 'Fletch.' A movie I'd apparently forgotten, which is strange, because the food was great, service even better.

Keith Erickson spent more time on his hair pregame than Peter Cetera did pre-taping of Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve 1974.

Happy Hairston looks like the saddest boy in New York since Art Garfunkel flew off to film 'Catch 22.'

Jerry West had it in his contract that he had to be introduced on the western side of the court.

The fuzziest hair on the Knicks didn't belong to Phil Jackson but from the perm of John Gianelli.

JAMES HARDEN SIGNS CONTRACT

A feel like this happens every summer.

Though one time it happened at Halloween, right before I went out dressed as Barney Miller.

HEY, WE ASKED PLAYERS TO BET ON THEMSELVES

Withholding extended comment on the Malik Beasley story because it is too hilarious to cover with a straight face.

The only way to get Malik Beasley to rebound is for Malik Beasley to buy low on his own bad rebounding. Allegedly.

But also federally:

Federal authorities are investigating Detroit Pistons guard Malik Beasley on allegations of gambling related to NBA games and prop bets, sources told ESPN on Sunday.

At least one prominent U.S. sportsbook detected unusually heavy betting interest on Beasley's statistics beginning around January 2024, a gambling industry source told ESPN's David Purdum.

A gambling industry source pointed to a game between the Bucks and the Portland Trail Blazers on Jan. 31, 2024. The odds on Beasley recording fewer than 2.5 rebounds moved significantly at sportsbooks before the game, shortening from around +120 to around -250 due to a surge of action on the under. Beasley finished with six rebounds, and the bets that were deemed unusual lost.

"An investigation is not a charge," Beasley's attorney, Steve Haney, told ESPN. "Malik is afforded the same right of the presumption of innocence as anyone else under the U.S. Constitution. As of now he has not been charged with anything."

Beasley topped six rebounds in a game only three times in 2023-24, only once in a 2024-25 (non-overtime) performance.

BOBBY PORTIS AND THE BUCKS

Same as he made last year? Same as he made last year.

The cost of living in the low post is pretty stable.

JAZZ DEAL COLLIN SEXTON

To Charlotte with a second-round pick for Jusuf Nurkic.

No, Nurk actually played with the Hornets. Yes, the Jazz want him to suit up. Yes, Bulls fans, the Hornets got a second-round pick.

Utah cobbed Sexton (an expiring contract after 2025-26, $18.975 million) from Cleveland in the Donovan Mitchell deal. Each of the three first-round selections taken from Cleveland in the Mitchell transaction (2025's Liam McNeeley selection plus the 2027 and 2029 picks) were already sent to Phoenix for the Suns' unprotected 2031 first-round selection.

The Suns are dead in the water at the moment, but the pick might be a dud by 2031, Phoenix has six years to prepare. The picks Utah sent to Phoenix (the least favorable of Cleveland's, Minnesota's or Utah's) figure to be selections in the mid-to-low 20s, at least now, but they were cheap draft rights to three players. Did the Jazz deal three 26s for one 15?

The Jazz turned 25-year old Ochai Agbaji (double-figure scoring on a crowded Raptor tanker in 2025-26) into 20-year old, No. 29 pick Isaiah Collier. Who, as a rookie, played like a 20-year old No. 29 pick.

Utah didn't draft any guards in the first-round last week, selecting two confirmed forwards, Ace Bailey and Will Riley. Clearing guard Jordan Clarkson, clearly declining, is one thing. Sending Sexton to Charlotte for the barely-able Nurkic (31 in August) and paying for shipping and tax (via second-round pick) is a major whiff for a franchise Danny Ainge and ownership and Danny Ainge's son are dragging out of the realm of the relevant.

The Jazz do not try to win, haven't tried since Ryan Smith (and whatever Ryan does now to cover what happens naturally on the top of many men's heads, like, I thought we all decided in the 1980s that toupees were really weird) sent out his second wave of checks in 2022.

With the Cleveland picks plus incoming Timberwolves selection, Ainge had more than enough to line Salt Lake City with in-prime stars.

Instead, Utah has Lauri Markkanen – despondent, unloved by his organization, not particularly playing well – plus Collier plus the 2031 first-round selection from Phoenix. Plus Jusuf Nurkic, so bad that even the Phoenix Suns and Charlotte Hornet front offices realized Jusuf was soggy toast. Swaps are probably out. Timberwolves picks, who knows?

For Donovan Mitchell's prime, Danny Ainge earned those two swaps plus three first-round picks plus Sexton (20-point career average in Cleveland) and Markkanen (contributed 25.6 points per game in his first season with the Jazz), two marvelous turnaround projects to save from a so-so Cleveland team.

Ainge, and now his son, are in the midst of squandering careers for each: Sexton is not nearly so unrefined that he has to be on the Hornets, Markkanen should be an All-Star somewhere. Somewhere that cares to compete.

The Jazz are rebuilding again, I wasn't aware they'd finished the previous rebuild. Maybe the Jazz didn't want to pay Collin Sexton to keep around, cementing bad expectations for Isaiah Collier. As if Collier won't see the same things Sexton saw, at an increasing rate.

Not hourly rate, Sexton makes seven times as much.

What will these (three, maybe four) rookies see in Markkanen's eyes on the first day of camp? What do they read off Nurkic, when Jusuf realizes he's presiding over his fourth shitshow in two years? Or Walker Kessler? If Kessler isn't flipped.

When Jordan Clarkson retires I need him on every podcast. Every one. Jazz fans deserve something out of all this.

ACE BAILEY

This was always going to be over in, like, hours.

Not that I was rooting for it to end – Robert Williams forgetfully making Danny Ainge sweat was perhaps the highlight of the 2018 offseason – but because of Ace Bailey, and his reps. They didn't know what team he wanted to play for, but now he knows they want to buck the system? Not him.

But I am ready whenever for we want to buck. Let me rephrase that: I will support any effort to undermine the NBA draft, either subversively or in a bid to abolish it.

We'd get free agency again!

IT DOESN'T MATTER

If it doesn't matter, Stephen, why did you hire like 11 musicians?

I wrote something about baseball, one of my favorite ballplayers. Got a little angry at the sportswriters who were adults during a World War or two and took it out on their readers. This isn't a criticism, I'm currently doing the same with whatever this century is.

And I appreciate you doing it with me! Eat a weird candy you haven't tried in a while, watch Josh Gondelman's special!