Things I need Eric Collins for

Love to listen to games broadcast by Eric Collins, Charlotte Hornets play-by-play voice. Collins was a Bulls sideline reporter during Michael Jordan's final championship season, noticeably ebullient and why wouldn't he be? The word "bull" is in the middle.

Collins began calling Charlotte contests in 2015 and he is famous for his freakouts, loudly lamenting "NOOOOOOO" into a microphone when anything Charlotte Hornet-related runs awry, pear-shaped, unexpectedly amiss.

He does it when basketball players miss or make shots:

This voice exists in all our heads – Eric Collins, screaming – but sometimes I need it louder. I need it to either stop me from straying, or to let the cosmos know of all this karma constantly betraying me.

Maybe that's not how karma works, but we know when it doesn't hit, when you can't believe you got the Low Fat.

For when I gather all available laundry and move toward the washing machine, it could be in another room or brisk outdoor walk or bus ride away. Fill and start washing machine, return to bedroom midcycle to find a single stray sock, dirty t-shirt, unwashed boxer brief.

Or when I confidently decline an electronics store receipt for a phone charger that I'll soon discover is incompatible with my personal device, and immediately need to return the charger for not-insignificant refund because cash is low and I don't know what the arena parking situation is in Oklahoma City. Good thing I arrogantly balled up the cord's UPC sticker and flicked it inside the strip mall's single garbage can.

Know what I need Eric Collins for? For when the car in front of me in the right-on-red lane is heading straight, six vehicles behind him with blinkers on. Coulda turned into the middle lane, declined. And he's not doing it to be speedy, jumping ahead of the pack. Let's not give him credit for paying that much attention.

Leaving the grocery store without picking up PAM.

Staring daggers at the passing city through the window near your nose as a gentleman plops down in the seat next to you on a bus or train featuring so many other available, exceedingly comfortable, two-seater options. No. Nooooooo.

NBA game heads into its second overtime on an NBA night with eight other live games rolling. The NBA's second OT needs to be 120 seconds. Third OT is 60 seconds. Fourth OT represents the evening's empire returning to sand.

Cats. Just, "cats."

Making all the way to the car with all your stuff and whoops not all your stuff. Forgot the phone, your telephone/email/debit card/teletext/camera/television/computer in the pocket of the hoodie in the bedroom, the other hoodie. And how else will we stream 'Three Coins in a Fountain' while driving to the store to buy PAM? How will we pay for the PAM? How will we photograph the scene inside the store if another shopper abandoned a silly combination of groceries on a shelf and we want to post about it? How will we email our family and friends to tell them of our viral post? How will we answer this phone call from our wife, asking why we haven't even left the store yet?

For when we get excited that he died on a plane only to find out he didn't die on a plane. We didn't need everyone on the plane to die, just him.

I need the Eric Collins voice for when the car advice podcast reminds never to let the gas needle drop below a quarter-tank.

For when I ask a streaming service to 'Resume' the playoff football game the entire family is ready to view from where it was left paused, at kickoff, watching the screen as the streaming service flashes a clean and lingering shot of live action with full scoreboard chyron spoilers – Good Guys down 7-3 and medical staff wheeling a Good Guy off the field, an All-Pro! – before the latency ends and the image darts back to the asked-for resumption spot.

For when the self-checkout camera shows an updated view of the back of my middle-aged head.

For when you blow up a beloved boomer's phone with four or five short and agreeable texts, a dozen words to update them of ongoing good news, but then you realize they are asleep at the moment and recall that boomers tend to assign ringtone alerts to their text notifications not unlike the startling bravura of the '1812 Overture.' Set off some cannons while mom's trying to knock out early.

For when there's one egg left and you tragically turn the follow-through on the crack and there's no way the yolk survives intact, now we gotta scramble one egg.

For when a 'Three Stooges' comes on but it's a Shemp.

In mornings I need Eric Collins to scream-stop me from letting loose a savage and in retrospect sorta sad and sluggish social media post slapped out before its author swallowed his Sertraline.

For when the gas station has every kinda chip but not one damned plain pretzel.

For when you silently think about a time you embarrassed yourself, you know the time. Eric Collins screaming helps mellow the shiver.

For when a baseball player you're a big fan of does or says or shows something that confirms that he totally voted for him, all three times.

Steely Dan memeing. Require an Eric Collins Scream when someone tries to be cute with Steely Dan. Those are never good posts, not even close, not one of them.

A small collection of glass-encased contraband, tumbling toward an unforgiving linoleum floor.

Crumbly Payday bar. No!

When I say "to the left" to my wife about something unrelated to Beyoncé and I can see my wife starting to sing the song but she stops herself because years ago I asked her not to sing that song at me every time I randomly say "to the left" about anything, so I've ruined a good time and I'm angry at myself and she's lost out on a good time (by marrying me) and now must growl, silently, Beyoncé-less.

My wife needs it for when she is a passenger alongside her driving husband and that one Chi-Lites song comes on his playlist but it isn't that Beyoncé song. I'm stealing her bit, saying "nooooo," she's told this anecdote at parties, to strangers.

For when the medicine cabinet in this stranger's house has aspirin but it's only the low-dose. Now I gotta take like 20 of these little things without anyone knowing.

For the times you wonder how many working and garaged (German) cars you'd own had we started that NBA email list back in high school, around the same time Eric Collins showed up on the same sideline as Keith Booth, Jordan, Dennis Rodman, and Randy Brown. Like you didn't have the time, like there were so many of those dates to go out on.

Best time for an internalized Eric Collins scream? When you're an NBA lottery pick prospect at the NBA draft's green room and the Charlotte Hornets are on the clock and suddenly a large collection of cameras and microphones and lighting elements makes its way over toward your family's table.

I'm kidding. It's when the Kings pick you.

BALL ON, OFF BENCH

Charlotte is 6-6 in January, but ESPN's audience had to watch the wrong "6" on Wednesday night, likely spotting visual confirmation of nastiest Hornet fears. Charlotte's not-that-close 94-87 home loss to Cleveland was undoubtably a worse-case-scenario exhibit, fluke flatness (89 points per 100 possessions in defeat) for Charlotte's NBA ninth-best (over 117 points per 100 possessions) offense.

Yet I cannot deny how well the ESPN Hornets represented the lowest of the League Pass Hornets in defeat to the Cavaliers.

On Wednesday, 24-year old LaMelo Ball came off the bench again for Sion James, a swingman in a shooting guard's body, a 23-year old rookie who busts ass on both ends with infrequent success. James did nothing in each of his 10-minute runs to begin each half in the Cavalier loss, 0-2 and zero points and a -11 in 21 minutes. Ball came off the bench to miss 14 of 15 field goals, including all ten three-pointers.

ESPN in town, LaMelo didn't even bother to square his shoulders.

The team ain't all Ball, RIP KOKO, the usual horseshoes tumbled short in Charlotte: Brandon Miller and Kon Knueppel appeared eager to mesh but their timing was off. Moussa Diabate was unable to unleash his length on the offensive glass against a longer Cavalier crew and the same struggle beset Miles Bridges the undersized scoring power forward who posts up a lot, fuck that guy, he's still there. Big blemish, pall on the entertainment. Wish he'd go away!

Additionally, recent re-addition Grant Williams' derring-do (+19 in 25 minutes against the Cavs, five boards, four assists, three steals) was a bit of a derring-don't (0-6 from the field, zero points) in the scoring column.

Across the scorer's table, on a night with Darius Garland out of the lineup, Cav reserve Lonzo Ball's legs still weren't healthy enough to contribute a single second to a Cleveland team desperate for perimeter minutes, and defense.

LaMelo is his own man, he doesn't have Lonzo's knees. Lonzo doesn't even have Lonzo's knees. But the rest of the NBA surely notices how many times LaMelo lands on someone else's ankle while launching another three-pointer with an unorthodox axial tilt.

Ball re-entered the starting lineup for League Pass Hornets on Thursday in Orlando, which meant we had to watch Sion James (three dimes!) play backup point guard.

Happily for Hornet fans, the visitors were all over the home team by the time Ball left the floor, establishing a large lead early and winning 124-97.

Caveats insist it was Orlando's first game since returning home from two performances abroad (Tristan da Silva dribbles off his foot, desperate early Noah Penda minutes for energy) but the Hornets also played hard, played hard defensively, ensured a turnaround.

Ball better, one-footed but square-shouldered, 4-8 deep and 6-12 overall, seven dimes and 16 points and six defensive boards, two steals. Collin Sexton played like someone informed the Lakers were interested in him, 53 percent from the floor in January thus far, 14 points per game in 20 minutes off the pine.

This team was embarrassed on ESPN but responded with a win over a tired and vulnerable Magic squad, the sorta performance which would hold up against a rested and focused Magic squad. Charlotte's win not a gimmick victory over a jetlagged group, and this Hornet offense is not a novelty quirk, there are no banked-in threes, here (there are some banked-in threes, here).

That's important stuff, Thursday was a heartening turnaround for the Hornets (17-28, No. 12 in East, 3.5 games behind No. 10 Hawks, No. 20 in defense alongside that No. 9 offense).

We're past halfway inside the NBA's 82-game schedule, the days are starting to tick a little longer than the nights. It is safe to look at stats, sizes sufficient to sample: Charlotte don't run for shit. Sorry, I watch too many car repair videos.

Scoring all over the place even while sixth-slowest in pace, Hornets fast break as often as Golden State, Houston, Lakers, the old teams, the ones nearing retirement. Charlotte is tops, by a lot, in pick and roll ball handler frequency but also third-worst scoring at it. Charlotte drives a lot, turns the ball over a lot, turns the ball over when it drives the most.

Ball's teammates would be better at shooting the basketball if Ball wouldn't clap for its renewed possession every time they shoot it, but Ball is a baller above all: LaMelo can occasionally find cutters, start a break, push to score, finish possessions normally.

Earlier in the season he couldn't play the second night of back to backs due to ankle woes, an inexcusable conditioning issue for a max-player, a veteran. We can't claim him humbled by internet assumptions that the Hornets require attaching four-to-seven future first-round picks to his contract simply to trade him, nor outwardly inspired by that bench demotion. Or the ohfer ten on what still counts to a Gen Z point guard as "national television"

Ball needs some NBA strength, and he needs a reason (besides dignity, professionalism) to play hard, intelligently, ignore the things he totally knows are incorrect. In the starting lineup next to Ball on Thursday stood the future's most fearsome forward pair: Brandon and Kon are obscenely talented, serene in their approach, waiting out the clutter in anticipation of clearer lanes. This mess-free world may someday exist with LaMelo Ball within it, making bounce passes.

We may have to spin that way: LaMelo makes $37.96 million this season and is owed a combined ~$131 million through 2028-29. Miller and Knueppel have a chance to go down as one of the highest-scoring swing tandems in NBA history, seriously, don't blow a draft pick to peel off a player in Ball who absolutely knows better and sometimes shows it. Ball is savvy and should age well if he ever works himself into shape and develops further interest in his craft. Too bad his early 20s was some the worst basketball we've ever seen.

He still made an All-Star team out of it. And if Thursday is any indication, busting the similarly-sized Anthony Black (1-11 shooting Black, to top it), LaMelo Ball is capable of digging in after major doubt.

Charlotte earns Phoenix's first-round pick in 2026, Dallas' in 2027, and the least-favorable of either Utah, Minnesota or Cleveland's pick in 2029. These things can't be lost to clear salary not when we're drafting this well, have you seen Tidjane Salaün this season? Not bad! Trade the starting power forward, he's a free agent after 2026-27 and puts up value-enhancing numbers. And he sucks.

Coach Charles Lee has a top-nine offense cranking out of a team on pace for 31 wins, an achievement. Charlotte is ready to happen, they just need to be on ESPN more often.

I can think of a good night.

RETIRING CURRY

The Charlotte Hornets will retire Dell Curry's number in March, celebration long overdue for a player who left the franchise as its all-time leading scorer.

Curry was the team's first pick in the 1988 NBA expansion draft and, yes, Dell Curry's number woulda made the rafters without Steph.

Tell me 25 years ago the Charlotte Hornets will retire Dell Curry's number in 2026 and I'd be like makes sense, and good for them still working out of Charlotte and you'd be like well that part is complicated and then you'd tell me that Dell Curry's son changed the way the sport of basketball was played and I'd immediately conclude that David Stern put in a four-point shot in 2007.

Charlotte has only one retired number, the late Bobby Phills. Dell Curry earns the nod ahead of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson and Muggsy Bogues not only because Dell stuck around Charlotte longer, but because the Hornets kinda owe him one. Or three. Four, if Stern had his way.

Mourning was dealt (for Glen Rice) in 1995 after Zo and his representation developed acrimony with Hornet ownership over Larry Johnson's contract extension. Eight months later Johnson was dealt (for Anthony Mason) during the 1996 offseason when Hornet ownership developed acrimony with LJ's contract extension (12-years, $84 million, through 2002-03). Muggsy Bogues was dealt (for B.J. Armstrong) in a semi-surprise deal a few weeks into 1997-98.

All sensible front office moves (even if nobody had any faith in ownership), nobody knew they were breaking up the favorite Saturday morning cartoon bunch for an entire generation of NBA fans.

Curry kept with Charlotte through 1997-98 and was part of a group of expected-to-split Hornet free agents, catching on with the Bucks ahead of the NBA owner lockout-truncated 1999 season. There was no large announcement when Dell's Hornet rights were renounced in Feb. 1999.

Only wire services feeding off the stats the Buck front office fed them and firing fin de siècle savagery:

Curry spent the last 10 seasons with the Charlotte Hornets, becoming the team's all-time leading scorer with 9,839 points. But apparently Charlotte felt the 34-year-old veteran was expendable, having signed free agents Derrick Coleman and Eldridge Recasner.

Charlotte acquired Coleman to after declining to bid for the services of prime Vlade Divac, a Hornet free agent who decided to turn the Sacramento Kings completely around.

The Sixers bought Coleman out before the 1998-99 NBA owners lockout, price of $5.57 million, and the last thing we'd heard about DC (from Peter Vecsey) was not great:

The Sixers continue to talk to the Lakers about re-signing Derrick Coleman (30 pounds overweight) and trading him to L.A. for Elden Campbell … Bulls are in the hunt for Pistons free agent Jerry Stackhouse … Raptors have made a formal extension offer to Charles Oakley. His response? Toronto has 90 days to impress me.

(I left the other stuff in because the entire thing is gorgeous, 20th Century Slop. Toronto has 90 days to impress me, untouchable shit from Pete.)

The Hornets signed Coleman, who couldn't be had for Elden Campbell, for five-years and $40 million. Those are not numbers from 2025, those are not amended for inflation. That was the money Derrick Coleman made from 1999 through 2005. Plus Philly's cash.

A few weeks after this, the Hornets dealt Glen Rice to Los Angeles for Eddie Jones and Elden Campbell. Derrick Coleman did not fulfill Charlotte's pivot needs.

Recasner? Better handle than Curry, scorer but no shooter. Another combo guard on a team full of them (David Wesley, b'aforementioned B.J.).

Curry caught on with Milwaukee for 1999, a single season at $1 million (down from $3.66 million in 1997-98), a veteran's minimum, a salary the NBA itself fully paid (as part of the new collective bargaining agreement). He averaged double-figure points off the bench for a team averaging 87 possessions per game (2025-26's slowest installment, Boston, averages 95.7 possessions per outing). Curry led the NBA in three-point percentage with 47.6 as the 28-22 Bucks (No. 7 in the East, prorated 46 wins, swept in first round) moved from No. 11 (35.4 percent in 1997-98) to tops (37.3 percent in 1999) with three-point accuracy.

Teammate Ray Allen managed a career-low 35.6 from long range. Allen, a 40-percent career three-point shooter whose NBA record for three-pointers was later eclipsed by Steph Curry, was a 37.6 percent career three-point shooter entering his lone season with a Curry, and hit for 42.6 percent the season after Dell Curry left.

Toronto signed the 35-year old Dell Curry to a fully-guaranteed, three-year, $6 million deal during the second 1999 offseason in July. An actual middle-class deal, Curry made more than rookie contract Tracy McGrady in 1999-00, nearly as much as second-year Vince Carter. The Raptors made their first three postseason appearances with Curry (6.7 points per game in 15 minutes per Raptor outing, 39 percent from deep) in the rotation.

He retired after 2001-02. That summer Dell Curry immediately raced home to teach his sons how to shoot basketballs. Later, he analyzed Charlotte Bobcat contests. Then, Hornets.

Curry is still second on the Hornets in all-time points. No. 1 Charlotte scorer Kemba Walker should have his jersey retired and, yes, the Hornets will someday wear Charlotte Bobcat throwback uniforms. We'll just have to steady ourselves for the moment.

YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND ME IN THE KITCHEN AT PARTIES

I understand the preferring Curly and even Joe over Shemp-bit has been done before, but trying watching a Shemp all the way through.

Just be happy I left out my joke about 'Existential Jeopardy!' Why is?

Still, thank you for reading!