Team USA vs. All-World, a history
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What if the NBA decided long ago, as the NBA hinted long ago, to have its best domestic players take on the finest international performers currently employed by NBA teams?
This is not something the NBA could manage until recently. Way after "long ago."
Not only are there are a paucity of international players in the NBA's pre-cable history, the can't-be-president-prospects entering the draft in the late 1970s and early 1980s all went to school stateside before starring in the NBA: Patrick Ewing (moved here when he was 11, became naturalized citizen before attending American high school and college), Kiki VanDeWeghe (born in then-West Germany while his father, NBA player Ernie VanDeWeghe, was in the Army, also literally the son of Miss America), James Donaldson (1988 All-Star and army brat born in England), Steve Kerr (born in Lebanon to a Lebanon-born, American father), Rony Seikaly (born in Lebanon, moved to America at age 10, naturalized citizen), Dominique Wilkins (born in France to American parents, attended high school and college in America), and Mychal Thompson (incubation orb launched from Planet Mychal Thompson, born in Jamaica, attended college in Minnesota).
Let's say David Stern plots the first All-Star tournament in Feb. 1992, ahead of the Dream Team's debut that summer. Two American groups, the younger 'Stars' and more established 'Stripes,' against a dozen-deep bank of international greats.
(I cannot find Jack McCallum's original 1992 story online and this upsets me, we should all get on a stream and go through my old 'Sports Illustrated' magazines during the offseason.)
TEAM USA 1992
STARS
C: David Robinson – best center in the league. Flattest hair in the NBA, non-Armen Gilliam Division.
PF: Dennis Rodman – this era was the perfect balance of defense-Dennis and rebound-Dennis. Hand tattoos to could count on one hand.
SF: Reggie Lewis – All-Star was top-15 at 20.8 points per game.
SG: Mitch Richmond – ninth in scoring, 47/38/81.
PG: Tim Hardaway – top-six in scoring, third in assists per contest.
Reserves: Brad Daugherty (20 and 10 and three assists), Scottie Pippen (could literally shut down Jordan), Mark Price (no point guard annoys MJ more).
STRIPES
C: Patrick Ewing – 'Jump,' extremely hot in Feb. 1992, Kris Kross all in Ewings.
PF: Charles Barkley – playing to impress the Lakers, Knicks, maybe Suns.
SF: Chris Mullin – left-handed, so, likely an informant for the other side.
SG: Michael Jordan – if he doesn't sign his rights over, this spot will be taken by 'PLAYER 99,' a sprite of a baller bearing an impressive resemblance.
PG: Earvin "Magic" Johnson – Magic did not play in 1991-92 but he did play in the 1992 All-Star Game, and with the 1992 Dream Team. And the All-Star Game was in Orlando and the team in Orlando is called the "Magic."
Reserves: Karl Malone, Clyde Drexler, John Stockton.
Sorry about Karl Malone's inclusion, but he really wanted in, Karl was part of Buchanan's early campaign in 1992 and was feeling awfully patriotic.
Hakeem Olajuwon, upset with Houston Rocket ownership and direction and unsure of his own international competition loyalties, asks out of the game.
ALL-WORLD 1992
C: Vlade Divac – am I familiar with the channel on YouTube which is mostly made of (pre-HBO) 'Dennis Miller Show' clips?
As surely as Alvise Contarini mediates the Peace of Westphalia, pal:
Vlade was also on 'Coach' in 1991-92. It is important to me that Vlade Divac crossed paths with Jerry Van Dyke.
PF: Alexander Volkov – not the biggest star, but he will try to break Karl Malone's ribs.
SF: Šarūnas Marčiulionis – 19 per game off bench, fourth in NBA in free throws per 100 possessions.
SG: Dražen Petrović – 51/44/81 and 20 points per game in 1991-92.
PG: Rumeal Robinson – best year in the pros (13 points, five assists), easily the best year of the convicted felon's life.
Reserves: rookie Dikembe Mutombo, Manute Bol, Rik Smits, rookie Rick Fox, rookie Luc Longley, Detlef Schrempf, Steve Kerr.
Kerr and Robinson (born in Jamaica) grew up in America but the World needs guards. Vlade's ball, of course, but some relative runt requires dribbling it up court.
In my scenario, Dominique Wilkins volunteered for international duty, whistling 'La Marseillaise,' after being spurned from the Dream Team roster. Sadly, his real-life Achilles tear a few weeks from the All-Star Game sculled this. Kiki VanDeWeghe was the first replacement call but he was too slow to get to the airport.
TEAM USA 1996
STARS
C: Shaquille O'Neal – led NBA in 1995-96 in appearances on large, promotional plastic cups.
PF: Shawn Kemp – you've seen the 'Frasier' episode 'Ham Radio,' but let me tell you about a little station called 'Slam Radio,' it upset a lot of people in 1994:
(Yes, that's Mark Jones. Now you know why it took me a while to come around on Mark Jones.)
SF: Grant Hill – though I'm not sure The World is ready to see Grant's jump shot.
PG: Penny Hardaway – Penny in early-to-mid 1996 is like seeing Zeppelin before Plant's voice changed.
PG: Gary Payton – no way we trust any other point guard to deliver and then subsequently defend an international incident.
Reserves: Mitch Richmond, Jason Kidd, Juwan Howard.
STRIPES
C: David Robinson – John Hollinger watched David Robinson in 1996 and was like shit, I need to create PER. I'll figure out what the letters stand for later.
PF: Karl Malone – starting to feel bad for sportswriters of a different era, those who had to write the words "Karl Malone" all the time.
SF: Scottie Pippen – when healthy in 1995-96, which was like 22 games, Pippen was the NBA's best player.
SG: Michael Jordan – oh and I bet he'll take this one personally, too.
PG: John Stockton – like a chaperone at a dance, confirming what everyone already guessed.
Reserves: Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Reggie Miller.
Again: Karl Malone, Pat Buchanan, mid-winter jingoism, apologies.
Juwan over Chris Webber is some all-out bullshit, I agree, but such were the times.
Times were alright. Bob Dole fell over at a campaign rally. Everyone's hair was parted down the middle.
Hakeem Olajuwon begged off each team (to make my choices slightly more interesting) yet again.
ALL-WORLD 1996
C: Vlade Divac – life is good for Vlade in Feb. 1996: Bob Dole is about to fall over at a rally, Magic is back, Lakers have a strong, young team that he'll continue to start at center for. Presumably Vlade will never have to learn which of the two Carolinas the city of Charlotte is located in.
F: Dino Radja – right before his ankles when out, this guy was buckets.
F: Detlef Schrempf – available for everything including shoving his nose in some American's face. Goodness knows we deserve it.
SG: Sasha Danilovic – some may not remember Danilovic but he was alright. Extremely 1996 facial hair.
PG: Toni Kukoc – Toni "I'm Not a Fuckin' Forward, Phil" Kukoc finally gets to play where he pleases.
Reserves: Gheorghe Muresan, Arvydas Sabonis, Dikembe Mutombo, Rik Smits, Rick Fox, Luc Longley, Šarūnas Marčiulionis.
I like how I always have Dikembe Mutombo back there, silent, like when all the comic book characters are in the same cartoon but you don't hear Superman saying anything.
Arvydas Sabonis' work in the second and fourth quarters obviously takes the MVP.
TEAM USA 2002
STARS
C: Tim Duncan – was never young, but his teammates will keep him feeling youthful.
F: Kevin Garnett – really, really up to play the World team and not in a good way.
F: Paul Pierce – will not earn the amount of field goal attempts he'd prefer in this lineup.
SG: Kobe Bryant – either leads game in assists or scoring, no middle ground.
PG: Allen Iverson – the 'Stars' might play this one with a seven-man roster, maybe slide Vince Carter into the starting lineup of Allen, we'll find out before the game. Minutes before the game. We've got someone en route to the hotel. No, it goes right to voicemail.
Reserves: Jermaine O'Neal, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter.
STRIPES
This will be the last season in which members of 'Stripes' will have seen the movie 'Stripes' from beginning to end.
C: Shaquille O'Neal – here to remind the doubters that muscle weighs more than fat.
F: Chris Webber – it's a C-Webb World after all.
SF: Michael Jordan – here to grab, hold, occasionally pinch.
SG: Ray Allen – rewarded for his supreme dedication in the face of George Karl.
PG: Jason Kidd – peak Kidd, boring and annoying but brutally effective.
Reserves: Gary Payton, Ben Wallace, Antoine Walker.
KG's first NBA starts were in Feb. 1996, Ben Wallace didn't get regular NBA minutes until Feb. 1999. Still, KG scans a 'Star,' Wallace (20 months older than Garnett) a sensible 'Stripe.'
Antoine Walker and Ray Allen being in the same draft class as three of the 'Stars' yet identifying as a suit-and-tie Team Jordan types, to me, is funny. Anyone want to listen to some Jeffrey Osbourne and then spend 12 hours at the same lucky blackjack table? Yes, Michael.
Antoine hangs on Michael's arm. Ray does squat thrusts between hands, takes swigs from his Thermos and you can smell the turmeric and all that ginger. Can't smell the kale, but we can see it under his fingernails.
ALL-WORLD 2002
C: Vlade Divac – All-Star Game availability every four years assures us Vlade told us the truth when he promised it was only the "occasional" cigarette.
PF: Dirk Nowitzki – look who finally fields an All-NBA player. Good work, World.
SF: Peja Stojakovic – 21 a game on 48/41/87.
SG: Wally Szczerbiak – actual 2002 All-Star! I know, right?
PG: Steve Nash – only taking over from Toni Kukoc because I want to give Toni and his family a chance for well-earned February vacation.
Reserves: Dikembe Mutombo, Eduardo Najera, Hedo Turkoglu, Tony Parker, Pau Gasol, Andrei Kirilenko, Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
ALL-WORLD 2009
C: Yao Ming – did I skip a few years so that I could include a healthy Yao Ming? You bet.
PF: Pau Gasol – Kevin Arnovitz was the first person to insist to me that Luol Deng works best at power forward, but I can't keep a tri-7-footer lineup off the floor.
F: Dirk Nowitzki – probably one of those games where he shows up with a buzzcut after playing with long hair all season.
G: Manu Ginobili – Greatest Sixth Man Ever starts because this bench is loaded.
PG: Steve Nash – sorry, I was supposed to write a pithy statement but then I thought of these five sharing a court together.
Reserves: Luol Deng, Hedo Turkoglu, Tony Parker, Andrei Kirilenko, Leandro Barbosa, Boris Diaw, Rudy Fernandez.
Names left out? Zaza Pachulia (who certainly had the votes), Andres Nocioni, Nenad Krstic, Jose Calderon, Andrew Bogut, Luis Scola, second-year Al Horford, rookie Goran Dragic, Big Z averaging 12 and seven rebounds for Cleveland.
That bench? In-prime, every last one of them. Four All-NBA players.
TEAM USA 2009
STARS
C: Dwight Howard – this eight might be the corniest, greatest, team ever.
PF: Amar'e Stoudemire – post-surgery, but pre-Knicks.
SF: LeBron James – was never a Knick. Bulls fans will at least have that.
SG: Dwyane Wade – this is back when D-Wade led the NBA in scoring and attempts per game, dragging a terrible Heat team to the playoffs, where it was not pretty.
PG: Chris Paul – figures to give this team and any opposing team the shot to the groin they need.
Reserves: David West, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Durant.
And that was the "young" team.
STRIPES
C: Shaquille O'Neal – still (expletive) flattens.
PF: Tim Duncan – how else will America beat three 7-footers without three 7-footers?
SF: Kevin Garnett – do your patriotic duty, Kevin Garnett. Sign in with your actual height.
SG: Kobe Bryant – what matters most here is he starts ahead of Allen, Pierce, Billups. And supporting the USA (ahead of Ray Allen).
PG: Jason Kidd – in case these four have trouble developing looks.
Reserves: Chauncey Billups, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen.
After another seven-year (Toni Kukoc's number) break, the competition returns in time for an otherwise-unmemorable year.
TEAM USA 2016
STARS
C: DeMarcus Cousins – what if we put a Boogie in charge of center was the question in 2016.
PF: Draymond Green – may not always agree with him, but he says what he thinks, and sometimes what we're all thinking.
F: Kawhi Leonard – hey, if you're not cheating, you're not trying.
SG: Klay Thompson – no way I'm comparing him to the saintly Klay Thompson, no way.
PG: Stephen Curry – Steph, on the other hand.
Reserves: Russell Westbrook, Paul George, Anthony Davis.
On the subject of bad votes, did anyone know DeAndre Jordan made first-team NBA in 2016?
STRIPES
C: DeAndre Jordan – someday the All-Star Game might be between the Republic of Texas and the Republic of California.
F: LeBron James – and LeBron James won't say who he's rooting for.
F: Kobe Bryant – made it all the way to 2016 without having to wear a Wizards uniform.
SG: Dwyane Wade – D-Wade was 34 in 2016 and I'm realizing this rotation, with 32 combined All-Defensive Team nods to its career credit, may own some defensive deficiencies.
PG: Chris Paul – bummer that Kobe's last All-Star performance has to be in a losing effort, but Chris Paul was the best point guard in the league and we have to involve him.
Reserves: Carmelo Anthony, James Harden, Kevin Durant.
Apologies to DeMar DeRozan, but as was the case in 2002, a certain retiring swingman kinda gummed up the selections.
Kyrie (born in Australia, grew up in America) declines the invitation because he cannot stand the thought of Americans fighting against Americans, even though the NBA only called to ask if he'd play on the World team.
ALL-WORLD 2016
C: Al Horford – all-around skills, yes, but mostly starting because this upsets Andrew Bogut.
F: Luol Deng – Kelly Dwyer always said he's best served at power forward.
F: Giannis Antetokounmpo – hardly presumptuous, averaged 17-8-4, 2015-16 was his final year without an All-Star nod.
SG: Andrew Wiggins – presumptuous, but AW was consensus Rookie of the Year, famous for years by this point, and they woulda started him.
PG: Tony Parker – we made it this long without talking about Tony Parker, why stop here?
Reserves: Pau Gasol, Andrew Bogut, Jose Calderon, Goran Dragic, rookie Kristaps Porziņģis, Ricky Rubio, Rudy Gobert.
Dirk asks off, Boris Diaw earned Sixth Man votes in 2016 (!!) but asks out.
Rookie KP makes it, second-year Rudy Gobert makes it but rookie Nikola Jokic does not. Timofey Mozgov, big deal in 2016, just misses out. Nikola Mirotic, big deal in 2016, just misses out. Omri Casspi, Jonas Valančiūnas, Tristan Thompson, Nikola Vucevic, lotta depth here.
One more time, but for the Bubble:
TEAM USA 2020
STARS
C: Joel Embiid – putting him on Team USA because I want to watch him against Nikola Jokic.
F: Jayson Tatum – and he's only 21!
F: Brandon Ingram – 24 a game on 46/39/85 in first year with NOLA.
SG: Jimmy Butler – noticing Sixers fans might turn pretty frustrated with this list.
PG: Trae Young – it was 2020. Wait until you see who leads the reserves.
Reserves: Ben Simmons, Devin Booker, Bam Adebayo.
STRIPES
C: Anthony Davis – horrified to show up to practice much taller than everyone else.
F: Kawhi Leonard – the Giannis/Kawhi rematch it took a pandemic to upend.
F: LeBron James – ready to play 'Rhoda.'
SG: James Harden – remember when Conan told us not to be cynical? That's how I handle James Harden's career.
PG: Stephen Curry – hey Steph, don't leave any of personal food or drink items unattended around a couple of your backups. I won't say which two, but don't worry about Damian Lillard.
Reserves: Chris Paul, Damian Lillard, Russell Westbrook.
ALL-WORLD 2020
C: Nikola Jokic – I didn't eat Taco Bell for a second and third time until I was 19, 1999, is that weird? Anyway, this guy is the greatest player over 6-8 that I've ever seen? Either him or a player I'll call Shaquille "Da Kid" Duncan (after considering Tim "KG" O'Neal).
F: Giannis Antetokounmpo – decade of Dr. J-ball from Giannis before blowing goodwill to bits with polymarket endorsements. When it flattens, when billions of bogus bets are made off hints and winks placed purposely on Giannis' social media accounts, which media member does Antetokounmpo take down with him? Who's gonna do some insider tweeting? And will the NBA care?
F: Luka Dončić – this frontcourt? Awfully dynamic.
SG: Bojan Bogdanovic – 20 per game in 2019-20, coming off two straight years holding his own in playoff losses to LeBron, Tatum. This dude was great.
PG: Jamal Murray – pre-ACL tear, so somehow Jamal Murray was worse back then.
Reserves: Al Horford, Rudy Gobert, Bogdan Bogdanovic, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, KP, Pascal Siakam, Domantas Sabonis.
All-time series is tied, 3-3. That's how I'll watch on Sunday, a rubber match only I envisioned.
NBA LEGEND CHRIS PAUL RETIRES
Ah, man, what a hit to the groin (when you least expect it because you're in the middle of playing a basketball game).
WHATEVER ADAM SILVER SAID ABOUT TANKING
Sunday morning and everyone has the energy to be angry at the NBA's commissioner. The NBA has been here before, CNN town halls dedicated to What Went Wrong, answering for it all. I missed it when the NBA commissioner obsessed over social media, clearly he's logged out. Otherwise he'd notice his punters' abject distaste for AI.
Let Silver roll, even if Adam acts like this is somehow put upon him.
Has any member of the media asked fans of the Jazz, Pacers, Kings or Wizards what they think about sitting stars and losing games for lottery balls? Or are we clucking because we're bored, need something to write, football is over, how dare these teams not suit everyone up and tear a meniscus or two on the way toward 28 wins.
Is any Jazz fan aghast, or are we aghast on Jazz behalf? I'm not gonna care about this shit, currently there are 20 NBA teams blowing past red lights in attempts to win as many games as possible. The NBA's responses are insipid and embarrassing and incoherent, but until fans are upset I'm gonna let my boredom lead me to watch more basketball.
Any of these people – big columnists, large following – any of these people own League Pass? Do they watch NBA games? Have they signed into a stream this season? Or do they follow on Twitter and, to steal a line from Deadspin, finger rosary beads because the NBA has its own Browns and Cardinals and Jags and Raiders. They don't cover the NBA, they just write about it.
You know what's up? Pablo Torre, breaking problems worth remarking upon. The NBA never stopped slicking free shit to superstars sans substantiation slips sent to the salary cap scroll. What's up are a bunch of drones, and Torre spotting where all Robert Pera's money comes from.
That's it, friends and followers, cats and kittens, and not the ice on Jaren Jackson Jr.'s knees.
I've been around so long I reflexively write "Jaren Jackson" and not "Jaren Jackson Jr." and I will tell you when shit is amiss. Shit is amiss! And it ain't because the NBA All-Star Game turned into a Pro Bowl (A PRO BOWL FROM LITERALLY ANY SEASON) or because the team from Salt Lake City wants the guy from BYU. Or Kansas or Carolina or Duke, SLC doesn't care.
No, the 30 on top are a problem. Own-ers.
The top is a problem in Memphis, L.A., Chicago, Sacramento, it's gonna be a problem when the Pacers sell, and when Seattle and Las Vegas begin to embarrass themselves. The Knicks are a problem no matter how many wins they earn. James Dolan and his servers own a facial recognition database which would be laughed off the lavishly-thick laptop of any screenwriter from the action-packed 1990s, too ridiculous and cartoonish to think the owner of every ballroom and arena in America would seek scans of thousands of digital clicks of our faces, 'Sliver'-style.
Rolling over my own rosary beads – who cares about thrown basketball games funded by full-price tickets when we can punt the conversation toward the nebulous Upstairs? – but the extent to which Pablo Torre's reporting on the Clippers and Grizzlies is ignored by major outlets is telling. Favoring tsk-tsk'ing teams taking a direct route toward making themselves better, more profitable.
Tanking is bullshit, but are the fans of tanking teams upset at tanking, or their teams? Media must speak for them, not February's brand of boredom.
Tanking is a serious problem because really good basketball players help, immediately. Basketball owns a unique quirk, where a single drafted player represents a decade of dominance. It is in the NBA's best interest to use those big, capitalist, money-makin' brains of theirs and create a unique solution which engages viewers via quirk.
Growing fonder and fonder of the 1-through-30 lottery wheel. Basketball does not resemble football or baseball and basketball's disproportionately impactful draft should not resemble theirs.
I spent last June driving from Oklahoma City to Indianapolis, hapless teams in small markets may recover wonderfully without slipping into lottery luck. Milwaukee copped Giannis in the middle of the first-round, we're not done finding Hall of Famers in the second-round. Great players will not turn down max extensions from teams who deal for their Bird Rights.
Actual games start up Thursday. If there is a tanking team on TV which upsets you, switch to another game. This advice only works if you're watching in the first place.
For those of us watching this shit? This is dumb, NBA. Fix it.
ROCK THE BOAT
Ever drive on the highway and hear a song all the way through for the first time and immediately spot Larry Carlton's work for several different reasons (tone, choices, taste), dive into the first rest spot available to check Wikipedia to confirm?
Ever been alone in a living room at a laptop and blurt out loud I bet Šarūnas Marčiulionis was like top-ten in free throws per 100 and then find out he was top-four?
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